LISTS

We have unfinished business, SR and you. I gotta finish some lists.

I can't help it, I love lists. I don't take them very seriously; as you can tell. To me, an ideal existence would be to hang out at the record store in High Fidelity with Cusack, Jack Black and the bald fey guy and come up with Top 5 Song Lists all goddamn day. Oh, and I'd like to be Kevin Bacon's character in Diner who sits around, drinks, and kills on the GE College Bowl. In fact, let's start a new list right now.

TOP 10 GUYS IN MOVIES I'D LIKE TO BE:

10. Bacon. Diner.

9. Clive Owen in 'Shoot 'Em Up'. I'm halfway there, already. See this movie.

8. Paul Stanley in 'The Decline of Western Civilization, Part II.' As you should probably know, Paul Stanley gives interviews for this movie lying naked in bed with three hot ladies. He's not doing anything to those chicks lying there naked in bed. He's gayer than the Charles Nelson Riley Fotomat in Dicksville, Alabama.

7. Roman Polanski in "Chinatown" (seen here in back view). Because as much as I love Nicholson, someone needs to shove a fucking knife up his nose.

6. Ned Beatty in Delivera....nah, just kidding.

5. Jeremy Licht, the kid in the 3rd episode of 'Twilight Zone: The Movie.' Everything he wished for came true. Everytime. Always. He also went on to star in "The Hogan Family" with Sandy Duncan's glass eye, still one of my favorite band names of all time. A band from Philadelphia in the early '90s that I never saw.

4. Gary Busey in "Point Break". It's been a lifelong dream of mine to call Keanu Reeves 'Utah' and make him get out of the car and buy me two meatball sandwiches. Esoteric, I know. That's why Busey's on my side of the crazy/genius border.

3. Keith Moon in "Rolling Stone's Rock and Roll Circus". A cheat, but just in case Mike Myers sucks ass, I want to be able to prove ongoing fandom.

anyway, we'll finish that list later. where was I?

Oh yeah.

Let's start with the easiest one, the Top 10 examples of Stink Rock. Looking back at my previous two posts, I have two #10s, a 9, a 6 and a 4, and a 2. Whoops. I should really stop sticking my hands into Hostess Fruit Pies before I type these things.

Here's a complete list. Check the old two posts if you want commentary on all 10. And send me sleazy rock links in the comments, for ruck's sake.

#10. Still TV Party by Black Flag.

#9. Hate the Police by Mudhoney.

#8. Negative Creep by Nirvana.

#7. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Sometimes the stinkrock isn't about the sound, it's all about the attitude. His first band Pussy Galore, did a song-by-song cover of Exile on Main Street. His more famous band, the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, put out a record called Orange in the '90s that turns girls into shake machines.

This is a surreal clip.

Disclaimer: I got to record bass through his bass amp once. It was HUGE. I stood in front of it. I'm deaf.

#6. Butthole Surfers, The O-Men.

#5. Iggy and the Stooges, "TV Eye". This is not at all a good representation of the Stooges, but I think it's pretty cool how Rob Machold shows up in the first 30 seconds.

#4. Dinosaur Jr., The Lung.

#3. Guided by Voices, Shocker in Gloomtown! In my 20's, I'd wake up for work, and my wife would walk my dog for 10 minutes. I'd snap like a rubber band to the CD and play GBV's 'The Grand Hour', a 10 minute EP of god-awful noise and glory. I'm divorced, and my dog died, but this album still drives me nuts.

Here, the Breeders do a kick-ass job covering it. They put GBV in the video, it's all good.

#2. Mclusky, Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues.

#1. Cavalier was close when he suggested 'Customer' should make the list. But alas, the blog is named after 'Stink'. So it's gotta be a God Damn Job.

No Point

Proof that rock and roll died in the 1970s, then came back to life. (via The Onion, and no, not the funny part)

Ok, 1970s, I kid. Sure you gave us Abraxas and Keith Moon's death, but you also gave us the inspiration for this 1980 nugget of saucy corn.

And speaking of that kickass band, watch the kickass intro to same band's website. Why the high-tech use of still photography? My guess is because rippling neckfat does not rock into the night.

"This is my neighbour Neckfat. He likes to take our laudry out when it's not dry and when he goes into the laundry room, he sounds like a bull moose in a china shop."

Moon Pop

Mike Myers is slated to play Keith Moon in an upcoming movie. Mike Myers is 45 years old. He's from Canada. He likes hockey. Keith Moon died when he was 30. How is this a good idea?

Elijah Wood is slated to play Iggy Pop in an upcoming movie.

His quote: "I'm scared to death of doing it, because I love him (Iggy Pop) so much and I respect the music so much. I don't want to be the person responsible for screwing that up."

It's that "I'm afraid of making a mistake" attitude in Elijah Wood that so perfectly encapsulates the Iggy Pop we all know and love, don't you think?

Maybe casting agents should go on strike.

COMPARISON OF NEIL DIAMOND MOVIES I'VE SEEN

#1. THE LAST WALTZ

In the Martin Scorsese classic concert film, The Band is captured in an unprecedented scenario: a finale show filmed in 1976, when the drag of rock and roll has ground them into Marty fodder. As Roger Ebert put it, "the musicians...drag themselves onstage like exhausted veterans of wrong wars." Heralded for its look at a band at the very end of its existence, The Last Waltz is a classic.

Musically, I hate The Band. Like The Grateful Dead moved to Canada and learned to ski. What? But let's not talk about them.

Neil Diamond's performance with The Band is clearly the lowlight of this entire movie. Wikipedia tells me that the only reason he was there is because Robbie Robertson had just finished producing one of Neil's more fake-tit-pierced works; "Beautiful Noise". Even if you already misunderstand Neil Diamond's musical genius, "Beautiful Noise" looks bad. A real piece of queso.

So like I said, the lowlight. And also like I said, I hate The Band. Bob Dylan has played a horrible joke on all of you.

NEIL DIAMOND RATING: D-



#2. THE JAZZ SINGER

This movie is flawless. Absolutely flawless.

NEIL DIAMOND RATING: A+

PAPER AIRPLANE CRASH

Occasionally I get the OCD. This weekend, I went through the number of thousands of audio tracks stored on hard drives scattered throughout my house like so many mines.

(We've all been at that place where we feel trapped, cornered, gasping for air. Sad to say, but in this new millenium, I attempted to claw myself out by clearing up electronic storage space. It seems to work. Or maybe I'm just clearing dirt until the Nancy Wilson sex tape finally goes public. You'll never know.)

During my audio cleansing, I discovered hundreds of demo tracks from all the various projects I've been involved in. The cream of the crop was the sessions myself and the Misanthrope spent riding out a summer in a Varick Street bathroomless basement, committing random ideas to tape.

'Paper Airplane Crash' grew out of one of those jams that starts near the end of a 12-pack, and one session later, it grew into this. I listen to it and I try to remember where we got all the sounds. I clearly remember mining the basement studio for particulars that could be used for percussion. Fortunately, the point person for this particular space had quarantined a third of it for personal belongings; from which I was able to gather a pair of kickass cooking knives, which when rubbed together, added a lot to the attached track.

I also remember this, distinctly, though, and those of you who don't believe in ghosts can move along. A lot of the super distorted crazy noises you hear at the end are the product of running a microphone through three distortion pedals and a rotary fan. As we wrapped up the track, I realized that I had screwed up some setting, and there should have been no signal from the microphone at all.

Eventually, Microdot played this song live with lyrics and all, but to me this will always be the definitive version.

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD

The Allman Brothers are 20 times cooler than Lynyrd Skynyrd. How do I know this? The Allman Brothers got stuck in traffic going to Woodstock, said "Fuck it", and went home. Lynyrd Skynyrd? They've never been invited to Woodstock! And if they did, it would have been a lot sleazier. Few people know this, but "That Smell" by Skynyrd was written about a woman who tasted, uh, a little sour. Milk, milk, lemonade. Round the corner? Come on.

On Christmas Day, I was sicker than Moses. I watched 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre'. Everything I've learned about life was written in the Cliff Notes to the novelization of that movie.*





*Nothing about women. Nothing!**





**Except saying 'OK' to "Watch this romantic comedy with me! Or buy me ice cream! Or else!"

SNOBBERY

On New Years Day, at 0:00 hours, CurrentTV broadcast Radiohead performing their new album 'In Rainbows' live in the studio.

It was phenomenal. It was absolutely stunning.

The following "indie" artists should stop performing immediately: Midlake, Rilo Kiley, The Hold Steady, The Decemberists, Peter Bjorn & John, Matt and Kim, Litebrite Lloyd Wright, Wolfmother, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Joanna Newsom, Pieces of Daffodil, Cat Power, Cat Power, Cat Power.

Bands people should listen to more: None. When dolphins learn to play instruments, bands will fully form. Until then, there is no hope.*

After Traffic, was there any doubt that Steve Winwood's solo career would suck?

If I were born in another country, and I attempted to produce an album of music about the United States of America, I don't know what I would compare it to, because Rattle and Hum is such a piece of shit.

*You may listen to Can.

David Bowie hasn't released a good album in 25-30 years, but he dyes his hair so his fans think he's fashionable. Some of them continue to support the Tin Machine years.
The guy's an assbite on a mosquito.

England as a country is cock. They've produced The Beatles, The Stones, The Kinks, The Who, Radiohead, Pink Floyd, Bowie, The Jam, Pulp, The Smiths, and yet they always poll Oasis as their favorite band. Puke-flavored curry-shop hobos.

I don't know if we have 'Tommy' or 'Dark Side' to blame, but concept records *always* suck.

Musically? Thank god John Lennon died.






P.S. Steve Albini was right. About everything.

YEAR-END MUSIC

For the first time in my life, I've made a year-end list compiled by someone who does not know me. The House of Blondes made Nick Southall's Top Records of the Year. Nick used to be the senior writer at the much-missed Stylus Magazine. A lot of people should be proud of their contributions to this record, but for now, cheers to me.

For the past four years, I've compiled a cd-r of songs I was introduced to during the calendar year. I used to have a thirst for new music and a historian's monocle for gems for treasures past.

Not so this year. For a number of reasons, I reached a saturation point where, at least in the rock music category, I hit equilibrium. After being disappointed by new releases from a number of bands who I'd loved in years past, I realized that of the 60-80,000 rock songs I've heard in my life so far, I'm set. I've heard enough. Most new music I hear is worse than most of any rock song I've heard before.

In high school I had classic rock shoved down my throat, injected into my blood stream and formed into puppets and magicians that put shows on in my garage. I was psyched in high school to spot the backup goalie of the St. Louis Blues at the Eric Clapton show on his 'Journeyman' tour. I got a boner anytime K-SHE 95 would play 'Never Been any Reason' by Head East. But I came to resent the McConaugheys in my Midwest teenage years turn "Skynyrd!" into an interjection, and I went searching for music of my times.

Well, my times are over. For the first year I'm getting all my pleasure from re-listening to what I've already accumulated (partially due to the fact that I hate new music and the way it sounds, but we'll save that anger for a future post. I'm not angry at you, world, I'm just playing hard-to-get.)

Apparently, I'm not as crazy as I thought. Noel Murray, critic from The Onion, has apparently reached the same saturation point. In this blog post, he iterates that he's going to stop listening to new music for 10 months. I heartily applaud him, and guarantee he will lose his thirst the same way I did. I absolutely guarantee it. To be safe, in case I'm wrong, I've kidnapped his grandma. She's a sweet, sweet woman. She just crocheted her own handcuffs. It brought a tear to me eye.

I'm actually a year ahead of Noel; he plans to listen to ABBA and lots of other crap. This year, I'm planning to listen to a lot more of...no music. Silence is a nice change of pace. Recently, more than music, it beckons me to listen.

So shut up, everybody. Happy New Year.

MORE STINKROCK

#6. Butthole Surfers, The O-Men

When I was 19, my roommate and I came back from a Saturday night of drinking. He had outpaced himself and collapsed awkwardly on the couch, like a Texas Chainsaw Ice Capade. I told him I was making myself a grilled cheese sandwich and he begged to make him one. I told him I would if he let me listen to the cassette I had bought earlier that day; 'Locust Abortion Technician' by the Butthole Surfers. He lasted five songs. Had I made his sandwich after mine, he would not have had one.

This one's on side two.

The Butthole Surfers, by the way, are the only band where I had to move *back* during a show because I got disturbed while watching.

I don't generally give a shit about originality or uniqueness in rock bands but I have never ever heard another record that sounds remotely like Locust Abortion Technician. Paul Leary does things with a guitar that make my mother hate me.

#4. Dinosaur Jr., "The Lung"

Their first national tv appearance ever. Microdot covered this at Tedstock.

Nothing says "I don't give a fuck" more than playing on National TV looking like a cross between Sarumon and Wilfred Brimley in "Cocoon". God bless J. Mascis.

#10. Black Flag, "TV Party".

DALLAS! QUINCY!

This song would've been higher on the list if they'd released a superior version of the song I heard at some point, which was slower, sloppier, and (most importantly) included the Lee Majors classic 'The Fall Guy' as a favorite show. For those who don't remember seeing it, Lee Majors played a stuntman named Colt Seavers, and no, it was not a porno.