AOL
I finally decided to ditch my AOL account today. I actually attempted to do this 6 years ago, but they just signed me up for free for 24 months. I’ve heard it’s actually very difficult to do, and I’m anticipating a messy breakup. Let’s see how it goes:
I go to AOL.com and log onto my account. I look for the ‘cancel account’ option, but of course it isn’t there.
I check ‘Account Status’. It’s ‘active’ with no issues (and no options to make it inactive).
I do a keyword search for ‘cancel’, which brings 192 hits. 192?!? I could’ve signed up for a lot more crap during my days at AOL. It turns out that you can only cancel via fax, mail or phone. Apparently telegraph and passenger pigeon are no longer options. I’m not thrilled by the mail or fax options, so I decide to call.
Recording: “Are you a currently a member of AOL? You can say “yes, no, or I don’t know.”
SR: (Seriously?) “I Don’t Know.”
Recording: “If you get billed by AOL or have an email address ending with ‘aol.com’ then they consider me a member. Do I meet those requirements?
Smartass me: “I think so.”
For the next 10 minutes I try to get the automated voice to look up my account information using voice-recognition software. But the recorded message keeps cutting in and out. It's just like that trick you use when you're trying to get off the phone with someone you don't want to to talk to - "I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. I'm *only* a machine." It tells me it doen’t understand my phone number or my email address after 3 or 4 tries at both. It finally asks for my zip code, and I'm wondering if it's going to reposition a satellite to try and find me like they do on '24'.
Finally the machine gets frustrated and gives up. I win? I get transferred to 'Larry', who sounds like a human being. In fact, he sounds like he’d make an adequate replacement for Chef on South Park now that Isaac Hayes is leaving to spend more time moving up the tone scale.
SR: Hi Larry, I’m calling to cancel my account.
Larry: I’m sorry to hear that.
SR: (It’s not you Larry, it’s me.)
Larry: Why are you giving up your account?
SR: No general reason. I just don’t need it anymore.
Larry: Were you aware that you could use America Online with your high-speed internet connection? I have a high-speed internet connection...
SR: Oh, you do?
Larry: Oh, yes I do. Many people do. The reason I keep America Online, I get full security protection and access to all of AOL’s services.
SR: Of course you keep an account, Larry – you work there.
Larry: What? Oh, no, we’re not required to have it. I like to keep it, and you can get a discount...
SR: What sort of discount?
Larry: I think..I think you can get it for $4.95 / month.
It was actually pretty uneventful from there. No offer to extend my membership, and the whole time with Larry only took a little longer than I did trying to enunciate my phone number. And now Larry, an AOL employee, is paying more for AOL than I am, which makes me happy.
I’m still steeled for a fight, though. I think I’m going to try and cancel some credit cards. That always gets nasty.
I go to AOL.com and log onto my account. I look for the ‘cancel account’ option, but of course it isn’t there.
I check ‘Account Status’. It’s ‘active’ with no issues (and no options to make it inactive).
I do a keyword search for ‘cancel’, which brings 192 hits. 192?!? I could’ve signed up for a lot more crap during my days at AOL. It turns out that you can only cancel via fax, mail or phone. Apparently telegraph and passenger pigeon are no longer options. I’m not thrilled by the mail or fax options, so I decide to call.
Recording: “Are you a currently a member of AOL? You can say “yes, no, or I don’t know.”
SR: (Seriously?) “I Don’t Know.”
Recording: “If you get billed by AOL or have an email address ending with ‘aol.com’ then they consider me a member. Do I meet those requirements?
Smartass me: “I think so.”
For the next 10 minutes I try to get the automated voice to look up my account information using voice-recognition software. But the recorded message keeps cutting in and out. It's just like that trick you use when you're trying to get off the phone with someone you don't want to to talk to - "I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. I'm *only* a machine." It tells me it doen’t understand my phone number or my email address after 3 or 4 tries at both. It finally asks for my zip code, and I'm wondering if it's going to reposition a satellite to try and find me like they do on '24'.
Finally the machine gets frustrated and gives up. I win? I get transferred to 'Larry', who sounds like a human being. In fact, he sounds like he’d make an adequate replacement for Chef on South Park now that Isaac Hayes is leaving to spend more time moving up the tone scale.
SR: Hi Larry, I’m calling to cancel my account.
Larry: I’m sorry to hear that.
SR: (It’s not you Larry, it’s me.)
Larry: Why are you giving up your account?
SR: No general reason. I just don’t need it anymore.
Larry: Were you aware that you could use America Online with your high-speed internet connection? I have a high-speed internet connection...
SR: Oh, you do?
Larry: Oh, yes I do. Many people do. The reason I keep America Online, I get full security protection and access to all of AOL’s services.
SR: Of course you keep an account, Larry – you work there.
Larry: What? Oh, no, we’re not required to have it. I like to keep it, and you can get a discount...
SR: What sort of discount?
Larry: I think..I think you can get it for $4.95 / month.
It was actually pretty uneventful from there. No offer to extend my membership, and the whole time with Larry only took a little longer than I did trying to enunciate my phone number. And now Larry, an AOL employee, is paying more for AOL than I am, which makes me happy.
I’m still steeled for a fight, though. I think I’m going to try and cancel some credit cards. That always gets nasty.
posted by stinkrock at 1:16 PM
12 Comments:
Wait a second, are you saying you didn't break up with them?
I tried to make a complete break. But apparently they save all my letters for months and call me every week or two urging me to come back. At least they don't take any more of my money.
AOL definitely has severe 'needy' issues. Maybe it has low self-esteem?
Tell AOL that you found someone else that services your needs better.
AOL just won't give up on this relationship, and they can't believe that you would, after all this time, and didn't you say you liked their parents? What about the camping trips you had planned? The little cottage on the cape, the time for "just the two of you"?
But they did get you for $4.95 a month, eh?
That Larry's good. REAL good.
Oh, I guess I made that unclear-- Larry's the one paying $4.95 a month, not me. But for some reason
AOL doesn't (or won't) delete the screen name or my mail for some reason. Larry said that anytime I could go to AOL.com and re-sign up, and everything would still be there.
I asked Larry if everything could just be deleted. Larry told me that if I don't access AOL.com, it would be as if my account didn't exist.
That blew my mind. So I'm just staying away entirely.
Ted, agreed on Klosterman. I'm enjoying his books more than you seem to be - I find them funny and well-written and I agree with him on a lot (we are both geeky midwestern pop culture/sports fans born the same month) but for some reason I feel like he's probably a raging asshole.
Freaky shit. They're saving that stuff for some reason. Some.... reason....
I have to admit that I felt a twinge of sadness when I got your email about the account change. Your address has been a constant in my life for so long. It was "a rock standing out in an ocean of doubt," to quote some Socialist windbag that Chrispy worships.
Sadly, your email came hard on the heels of the notice of cancellation for the Microdot web site.
I'm going to go and weep.
Bad coincidence.
Remember, Dave -- we'll always have Asa.
Microdot had a website?
For future reference, this website has all the answers on how to get a human being on the phone. For AOL, you don't say anthing, smartass or otherwise:
http://gethuman.com/us/
Keep up the good work » »
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