#2 In the Movie Characters I Want to Be

Elvis Presley. The only baby in history to kill his twin to get more play. Have you seen the babies in those movies? They race cars and go to pool parties. Am I right?

Here's a new Kennedy assassination theory: 'Suspicious Minds' travelled 6 years back in time and killed JFK.

Think about it: Elvis became a Nixon shill in his Liberacepepperoni period. When did Nixon become President? 1969. When did Suspicious Minds come out? 1969. Do the math, punks.

In 1960, when Nixon got his election stolen in Chicago because a nation of Americans wanted a president who could bed Marilyn Monroe, where was Suspicious Minds? If you know a lick about Nixon, you know that song could've won him that election. Checkers was still alive, man. Checkers was still alive!

So Nixon plotted his revenge. He invented time travel. And when he finally got the swivel chair in the Oval Office (dizzy!) he put his plan in motion.

Suspicious Minds belongs in a time vault. Nowhere in the annals of pop music exists a song so glorious, and so horribly wrong for so many reasons. Again, if you know a lick about Nixon, I don't have to explain this to you.

Where were you when Tricky Dick tricked time?

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John F. Kennedy was in a car in Dallas, Texas. He was hit by a bullet - "Suspicious Minds", 7 years from the future, lodged carefully in his skull. Elvis, we never knew you. If I had a dime for every ass you grabbed...