JANUARY
January's over and I'm back. That wasn't a hiatus, that was a mourning period.
Turkmenbashi, the dictator of Turkmenistan, died in December. 'My favorite dictator' is not an attractive turn of phrase, especially for a man who had such a repressive dictatorship, but I gotta admit: If I was running a country and was completely insane, I don't think I could do a better job than Saparmurat Niyazov. January was the month of mourning, because he renamed it after himself.
The fact is, I would love to be a dictator, just so I could write my own job description. So when I run my country/island, here are three things Turkmenbashi did that I would do in a heartbeat, and only because he thought to:
'(3) He banned opera. This one's so obvious, so simple, that no run-of-the-mill dictator would remember to. Opera's like ballet with no sex appeal; I can see ballet fan leg-fetishists who suddenly go blind having fun at an opera, but that's about it, gone.
Also: my dad's a big fan of opera, and he'd be *pissed* if I got rid of it. It makes up for the fact that he bought an SUV recently. I bet dictators have a lot of daddy issues.
(2) Turkmenbashi wrote a book called the 'Ruhnama' full of his own bullshit to be taught in schools and replace history texts. Yeah, yeah, boring, easy dictator stuff. The beautiful Turkmenbashi twist? He also made it part of the driving test.
If Graham Chapman and Terry Jones hadn't left this mortal coil, I'd bet my weight in gold that Monty Python were running Turkmenistan after I read this.
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*UPDATE* Terry Jones isn't dead. Jesus, that was a terrible mistake.
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(1) Turkmenbashi built a statue of himself that rotates so that it always faces the sun. That is *beautiful*.
Turkmenbashi, the dictator of Turkmenistan, died in December. 'My favorite dictator' is not an attractive turn of phrase, especially for a man who had such a repressive dictatorship, but I gotta admit: If I was running a country and was completely insane, I don't think I could do a better job than Saparmurat Niyazov. January was the month of mourning, because he renamed it after himself.
The fact is, I would love to be a dictator, just so I could write my own job description. So when I run my country/island, here are three things Turkmenbashi did that I would do in a heartbeat, and only because he thought to:
'(3) He banned opera. This one's so obvious, so simple, that no run-of-the-mill dictator would remember to. Opera's like ballet with no sex appeal; I can see ballet fan leg-fetishists who suddenly go blind having fun at an opera, but that's about it, gone.
Also: my dad's a big fan of opera, and he'd be *pissed* if I got rid of it. It makes up for the fact that he bought an SUV recently. I bet dictators have a lot of daddy issues.
(2) Turkmenbashi wrote a book called the 'Ruhnama' full of his own bullshit to be taught in schools and replace history texts. Yeah, yeah, boring, easy dictator stuff. The beautiful Turkmenbashi twist? He also made it part of the driving test.
If Graham Chapman and Terry Jones hadn't left this mortal coil, I'd bet my weight in gold that Monty Python were running Turkmenistan after I read this.
------------------------------------------
*UPDATE* Terry Jones isn't dead. Jesus, that was a terrible mistake.
------------------------------------------
(1) Turkmenbashi built a statue of himself that rotates so that it always faces the sun. That is *beautiful*.
posted by stinkrock at 9:25 PM
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